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赌10刀那位女士能吃完 绝对没问题 Ten bucks says that lady clears it, no problem.
啥 对的对的 我加入 What? Oh, veah, veah. I'm in.
她买的是法庭寿司 Because she's got courthouse sushi.
神经肯定不正常 She's not plaving with a full deck.
-你们干嘛呢 -他们刚把门擦干净 What are vou guys doing? - Thev iust cleaned the door.
我们在打赌 谁能分清 We're betting on who can tell the difference
玻璃和空气 你加入吗 between glass and air. You want in?
行了 别闹了 今晚新的书记员就要入职了 Hev! None of that. It's the new clerk's first night.
我要给他留个好印象 I want to make a qood impression.
怀亚特是我们的理想人选 Wvatt is iust what we're looking for.
法律专业 生活经历丰富 He's a law student. He has a lot of life experience,
我就是想说 这男的超酷的 And I'm iust gonna say it the guy is cool.
酷不酷的哪轮得到你来说 - You don't get to say what's cool.
你一块曲奇掉了三次 I've heard vou sav"vikes""voinks, "and"vowzers"
我听到你分别喊了 哎呀 哎哟 哎哟喂 while dropping the same cookie.
行吧 今晚我就是个行走的镇定剂 Well, tonight I am a human chill pill.
呀 是他 好 你们要让他有宾至如归的感觉 Aah! That's him! Okay! Evervbody make him feel welcome.
丹 微笑 但别露齿 Dan, smile! But mavbe don't show teeth!
来不及了 他什么都听见了 随心吧 It's too late! He can hear everything! Just follow your heart!
作为田年代就开始吃镇定剂的人 我想告诉你 As someone who took chill pills in the'80s,
你该换个毒品贩子了 vou need a new dealer.
很高兴又见面了 斯通法官 Nice to see you aqain, iudge Stone.
感谢无比详细的路线说明 Thanks for the incrediblv detailed directions,
每一步都写清楚了 down to the step.
现在我知道 为什么面试时你会说起鞋码了 Now I see why shoe size came up in our interview.
我是不是在哪里见过你 Do I know you from somewhere?
对哦 乔氏超市 14街 Oh, veah. Trader Joe's, 14th Street.
我之前是那里的试吃员 I used to work the sample station.
你就是那个在试吃台转了六圈 You're the ladv who loops around like six times
一次次地要萨尔萨辣酱但又不买的女士吧 for salsa shots then leaves.
不是 算了 我从来没见过你 Nope. Never mind. Never seen you.
你们每个人我可能都在哪里见过 I've probably run into all of vou at some point.
我做过无数份工作 I've had a million jobs
动感单车教练 酒店行李员 Spin instructor, hotel bellhop.
有一阵子 我还专给孙女们修钟 For a while, I fixed granddaughter clocks.
可市场不太大 There wasn't much of a market.
但我很开心来到这里 But I'm reallv excited to be here.
谁不是呢 你知道的 一方面 Who wouldn't be? You know, on the one hand,
薪水不多 I mean, the monev's not very qood,
但另一方面 but then on the other hand,
这对你的职业发展也没什么好处 this will do nothing for your career.
别听他瞎说 你会喜欢这里的 Don't listen to him. You're qonna love it here.
我们这里轻松愉快 绝对正常 It's iust a breezv, fun, totally normal place to work.
我们被黑了 重复一次 我们被黑了 We've been hacked! I repeat! We've been hacked!
放下你们的电子设备 Hand off your devices!
别紧张 我有哨子 Don't worrv! I have my whistle!
不 哨子是让 No, a whistle is the cue for the-
非常有松弛感 Verv chill.
我们登不上服务器和邮箱了 - We're locked out of the server and our e- mails.
一刷新 就会听到哔的一声 Well, everv time I refresh, I just get that"bonk"sound.
哔 Bonk.
哔哔哔哔哔 Bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!
滴滴响的电子邮箱和看黄片的立方块用不了了 - You know, it's sad how helpless you all are
你们就这么无助 真可悲 without your beep- boops and porn cubes.
噢 没有了珍贵的电脑 我们该怎么办呀 Oh! What ever shall we do without our precious computers?
或许就真的只能聊聊天了 We might actuallv have to have a conversation.
我愿意和你聊天 - I would love to have a conversation.
哎呀艾比 现在都什么时候了 Ugh. Abby, not now!
我们得解决电脑的问题 We've got to figure out this computer thing!
我们得解决电脑的问题 We've qot to figure out this computer thing!
你们这里没有技术同事能处理这问题吗 - Isn't there an I. T. guy who can fix this?
技术部门晚上都下班了 The I. T. department isn't open at night.
我们倒是有个“那什么”部门但就是个散发着 We do have an"It" department, but it's iust a clown
我们倒是有个“那什么”部门但就是个散发着 We do have an"It"department, but it's just a clown
Co- Executive Producer MONA GARCEA who smells like a sewer and says our fear makes him stronger. 下水道味道的小五 还说我们的恐惧让他更强大了
下水道味道的小丑 还说我们的恐惧让他更强大了 who smells like a sewer and says our fear makes him stronqer.
什么声音 What's that sound?
不可能 什么 这 - It can't be. What It- -
不可能 什么 这 It can't be. What- It- -
真的是它 It is!
-是个传真机吗 -对呀 Is that a fax machine? - Oh, veah.
10年前装的 为了让这个地方更现代化 They put them in 10 vears aqo to modernize the place.
是黑客的要求清单 It's a list of demands from the hacker.
他威胁要把我们的私人信息泄露出去 He's gonna leak all our personal information
除非今晚第六个案子的被告 unless the defendant in the sixth case tonight
被判有罪 is found guilty.
第六个案子是什么 What's the sixth case?
噢 该我说话了 Oh! That's me.
刑事毁坏 法规17-3 Criminal Mischief. Code 17- 3.
一个非音乐家损毁了酒店客房 Destruction of a hotel room by a non- musician.
我不在乎是什么案子 I don't care what it is.
艾比·斯通绝不和恐怖分子讨价还价 Abby Stone does not neqotiate with terrorists.
艾比·斯通绝不和恐怖分子讨价还价 Abby Stone does not negotiate with terrorists.
有线电视公司也是 谁想着斯塔兹台啊 Or the cable companv. Nobodv wants Starz.
有线电视公司也是 谁想看斯塔兹台啊 Or the cable companv. Nobodv wants Starz.
你们看它工作的样子 Oh. Look at her qo.
线条堪比别克豪华轿车 The curves of the Buick LeSabre,
这香气 the aroma.
谁曾想这墨水竟能置你于死地 of ink that vou didn't know could kill you.
别报警 我不是开玩笑的 "No police. I'm not messing around. "
还附了一张照片 是一个打扮成 And then there's a picture of someone dressed
高中吉祥物的人 as a high- school mascot.
韦斯特维尔妖精 The"Westview Goblin. "
说真的 看上去有点像 Actuallv, it kind of looks like...
不 不可能 - No! It's not possible!
仅有的一张照片存在我的 手机里 The onlv known copy is on my...phone.
所以黑客已经黑进了我们的私人设备了 So the hacker's in our personal devices.
也就是说 他掌握了我们的所有秘密 That means he has all our secrets.
还有我们的混音舞曲 And our dance mixes!
这是一家线上宠物商店的账单 This is from an online pet store.
这些玩具够100只猫玩了 There's enough toys here for 100 cats.
也可能是一个思想开放的人类 Or one open- minded human who wants to work
想在晒日光浴时提高一下手指灵敏度 on their dexterity while lving in the sun!
这么下去要完蛋了 This could get so much worse.
妖精照片真的只是冰山一角 Goblin pictures are reallv just the tip of the iceberg.
-这家伙会毁了我的 -他毁不了我 This guy could ruin me. Not me.
我手机上只安装了一个 The onlv thing on my phone is an app that tells me
检测鹰嘴豆泥的软件 when something is hummus.
嘿嘿嘿 我才不会再被耍一次呢 Heh- heh- heh. I'm not qonna get fooled aqain.
你们都知道我的 你们知道我是怎么谋生的 You all know me. You know how I earn my living.
我会为你们抓住这个黑客 但这不是一个简单的任务 I'll catch that hacker for you. But it ain't qonna be easy.
不像追捕醉汉和性骚扰犯那样简单 Not like going down to holding, chasing drunks and tommycats.
我不需要你们自告奋勇 也不需要队友 I don't want no volunteers. I don't want no mates.
我只要你们的信任 I just want your trust.
只要你们相信我 我会把他的头 他的屁股 And for that, I'll get you the head, the butt,
他一整个人都给抓回来 the whole damn thing.
太好了 那就照老葛的意思办吧 Great. So we're qonna do Gurqs'thing.
我们在法庭上拖延一下时间让 她有更多的时间去调查 We'll slow things down in court to qive her some more time.
那还不简单 Yeah, that'll be easy.
这里的所有事情都比预期的慢 Things never move as fast as you want around here.
对 但今晚我们是特意这么做的 Yeah, but tonight it'll be on purpose!
喂 怀亚特 Hey, Wvatt!
我是不是打扰到你了 Did I interrupt something?
就是看看我新的工作环境 - Just checking out my new workspace.
确保抽屉能开能关 Making sure the drawer opens and shuts,
这也是我们对抽屉的要求 which is what vou want in a drawer.
有意思 - Interesting.
我记得你以前是在酒店工作 I understand you used to work at a hotel.
得知有人破坏了酒店房间 导致酒店无辜受损 Bet it makes you pretty mad to hear about a case
你肯定很生气吧 where someone trashed a innocent hotel room.
也没有啦 我看过紫外灯照射下的酒店房间 - Not reallv. I've seen those rooms under a black light.
真应该把它们都毁了 Thev should allbe destroyed.
听起来是个动机 Sounds like a motive.
看起来 抽屉不是唯一能开合（一目了然）的东西哦 Looks like that drawer isn't the onlv thing that's open- and- shut.
好嘞在下丹·菲尔丁 再一次力挽狂澜 Okay. Dan Fielding, saving the dav once again.
我找来了一个技术专家 I qot us a tech expert.
他就是你的专家 随便拉来的一个孩子 That's your expert? Some random kid vou found?
对 他可是青少年 青少年都喜欢研究科技 - Yeah. He's a teen. Thev love technology.
可能去毕业舞会也要带着电脑呢 Probably taking his laptop to prom.
好了 长毛小子 告诉我们该怎么办 Alright, Shaggy, tell us what to do.
你们试过拔掉电源再重新插上吗 Have you tried unplugging it then plugging it back in?
这么简单 你们这帮人是怎么创造出脸书的啊 That's it? ! How did vou people ever invent Facebook?
给我出去吧 Get outta herel
老葛 Gurgs.
假装我在说好玩的东西 Act like I said something funny.
查得怎么样了 Where are we on the investigation?
我觉得是内部的人 I think it's someone on the inside.
我都不知道该相信谁了 法官 I don't know who to trust, Judgel
所以我们现在是用大笑来掩盖恐惧吗 So now we're just lauqhing to hide our fear?
不 我是真的在笑 No. It's real now.
为了让自己笑出来 我想了个搞笑的事情 I thought of something funny to get myself started,
现在笑得停不下来啦 and now I can't stop!
行吧 你慢慢笑 Well, take all the time you need
因为没有谁比艾比·斯通更会拖延时间了 because no one can slow things down like Abby Stone.
你发现我刚才用第三人称指代自己了吗 See how I iust referred to myself in the third person?
这比说“我”的时间要长一点点 That took a little more time than saying"me. "
注意到我现在在解释吗 And notice how now I'm explaining it?
又拖延了一点时间 Also more time.
你知道吗 我们还有一个拖延时间的办法 - You know, there is another way we could stall.
我们可以使用 那个箱子 We could use...The Box.
我们不能用 那个箱子 We're not using...The Box.
什么是 那个箱子 What'sThe Box?
别问 Don't ask about The Box.
上帝保佑你永远不需要知道 God willing, you'll never need to know!
好了 传唤第个案子吧 Alright. Let's call the first case.
公诉凯尔·埃 The People versus Kvle Eh.
-埃 -埃 BY STONE
这时候怎么就不能来一个超长的五音节姓氏呢 Where's a meaty five- syllable last name when you need it? !
好的律师 请事无巨细地 Alright Counselor, please tell me
告诉我埃先生被起诉的原因 in excruciating detail what Mr. Eh is charged with.
不幸的是 被告人决定 Unfortunatelv, the defendant has decided
自行辩护 to defend himself.
-不幸的点在 -他是个拍卖师 Whv is that unfortunate? - He's an auctioneer.
走到柜台前 我说 我能买七块司康吗 - Up to the counter. I said, "Can I get seven scones? "
不行 我能买六块吗 "No. ""Can I get six?
五块 我听到了四块吗 三块 两块 Bid a little five. Do I hear four? Three...two..."
买不到两块 买不到一块 我听到了司康卖完了吗 Can't qet two, can't qet one. Do I hear there are no scones?
没错 亮出刀子 I do! Out comes the knifel
插入柜台后的男人的胸膛 Plunged into the chest of the man behind the counter!
我有罪 一次 两次 And I'm quilty. Going once, qoing twice.
最后一次 我有罪 Last and final call! I'm guiltv!
我听到我们完蛋了吗 完蛋一次 Do I hear we're screwed? Screwed qoinq once.
完蛋两次 一整个大完蛋 Screwed going twice. We're screwed!
案子审得比我计划的快一点 Court is moving a little faster than I planned.
这个案子有什么信息是你们能给我说说的吗 Is there any intel you can give me on the case?
比如被告人就是有罪的 我白担心了一场 Like maybe the guy is guilty and I'm worried over. nothing?
他其实属于一个新的法律分类 - He's actuallv a new legal classification
超级无辜者 known as"Super Innocent. "
有证据显示 酒店房间被破坏时 There's proof that he wasn't in the hotel room
他不在房间里 我们有带有时间戳的监控录像 when it was trashed, we have time- stamped footage
当时他正在小卖部里给儿子买葡萄汽水 of him at a bodeqa buving grape soda for his son.
葡萄汽水 能不能至少给他判个 Grape soda? Can't vou at least find him guilty
慢性毒害孩子的罪名 of slowly poisoning his kid?
你知道这不可能 - You know that's not an option.
我和你们一样也有很多不可见人的秘密 And I have as much to hide as anyone else.
我有一个枪炮与玫瑰的纹身 纹在了非常枪炮与玫瑰的地方 I have a Guns N' Roses tattoo in a very Guns N' Roses place.
啊 这高亢的吟唱歌声 Ah, the high- pitched siren song
它接收到了求偶的呼唤 when it receives its mating call.
别再浪漫化这台毁了我们的机器了 Stop romanticizing the machine that's destroying us!
-什么东西 -没什么 - Whoa. What was that? - Nothing.
是你的秘密吧 对吗 - It was one of voursecrets, wasn't it?
你怎么这么奇怪 是关于我的吗 Why are you being weird? Is it about me? !
怎么可能呢 That's a crazv thing to think.
除非你有一堆和我有关的秘密 Unless it's because you have a bunch of secrets about me.
那什么 我先把话说清楚哈 - You know what? Let's just be clear for a second here
我对你俩都没有任何想法 that I have zero thoughts about either of vou.
但是 但是 But- But
好吧 这有点失控了 Okav. This has qotten out of hand.
我们都是成年人了 我干脆把它吃了吧 We're two grown adults. I'm just gonna eat it.
不能吃啊 传真机墨水 相当于液体石棉 - Don't you dare! Fax ink? It's like liquid asbestos!
魔术师的女儿 Daughter of a magician.
疯子的同事 行吧 Co- worker of lunatics. You know what?
我自己来解决这事儿吧 I'm iust gonna have to solve this myself.
我来和黑客谈谈 I'll open up a line of communication with the hacker
以智取胜 and then simplv outwit him-
就像我和有线电视公司那可怜的傻子 like the mental qame of chess that I delivered
打的心理战一样 to that poor sucker from the cable company.
你们不会相信我的斯塔兹电视套餐有多划算 You will never believe the deal that I got on Starz.
丹说得对 我们要集中注意力 Dan's right. We iust have to focus.
继续拖延时间 让老葛 We'll iust keep stalling so Gurqs
跟着线索查下去 估计我们说话的这会儿工夫 can follow up on her lead, and I wouldn't be surprised
老葛已经锁定罪犯了 if she has the culprit in her crosshairs as we speak.
桑迪 我再问你一遍 Sandv, I'm only gonna ask vou one more time!
你的晚间护肤流程是什么 What is your nighttime skin routine? !
我们开始了这件事 就得完成它 We started this. We have to finish it.
没有人会发现这和我有关系的 No one will know I was involved.
嗨老葛 找到黑客了吗 Oh. Hev, Gurgs. Found the hacker vet?
说实话 我有怀疑的对象了 As a matter of fact, I have a suspect.
要不我们边吃午饭边聊吧 Uh, mavbe we could talk about it over lunch.
这 这里有什么好吃的 So...what's qood here?
我知道你就是黑客 怀亚特 - I know you're the hacker, Wvatt.
难道你打算说 你第一晚来上班 So vou're just qonna claim it's a coincidence
就发生了这件事 只是巧合而已吗 all this happened on your first night.
而且你还碰巧会用传真机 andvou happen to know your way around a fax machine?
只是因为我以前在一家提供传真服务的小酒馆打过工 Onlv because I once worked at a Fax Bistro,
那家店对标的是网咖 但没活多长时间 a short- lived rival to Internet cafes.
我打赌你自以为是个很酷的顾客吧 - I bet you think you're a pretty cool customer.
你可不是这里唯一的酷盖 Well, you're not the onlv cool one around herel
-你看起来不太舒服 -我很舒服啊 You don't look comfortable. Well, I am.
我知道你有所隐瞒 I know you're hiding something.
你要么老实招了 要么我就要上橙子了 We can do this the easy wav or the orange wav!
哎呀 哎呀 Ooh! Oohl Ooh!
能帮我捡一下吗 Can you qrab those?
我得接一下电话 我们聊完了 对吧 - I have to take this. We're good, right?
-需要给你带点什么吗 -不用了 Do you need anvthing? - No. I'm fine.
但如果你见到桑迪 让他来找我 But if you see Sandv, send him my way
告诉他 同样的事又发生了 and tell him"it happened aqain. "
争执的起因是 地铁表演者 The altercation started when the subway performer
MC斯克鲁格斯控诉酷炫节拍先生 Emcee Scruggs accused Mr. Beats- Fresh
抄袭了他经典的火车火车舞 of stealing his iconic loco loco- motive dance move
改成了粗劣的仿版呜呜疯狂火车舞 with the pale imitation choo- choo crazy train.
裁决前 我需要看一下 In order for me to settle this, I'm qonna need to see
你们的完整舞蹈 可能要看好几次 the full routine probably a couple times.
我的风格让他们跃跃欲试 *I got the flava to make'em iump*
我的风格 *I qot the flava...*
不 有血 Oh, no. Blood?
这样的场景不禁让我觉得 You know, it's times like this
我们应该想想我们没被踢到脑袋 I think we should reflect on how lucky we are
是多么的幸运 that weweren't kicked in the head.
稍微休息一下吧 Let's take a short recess.
丹 我知道了 Dan! I figured it out.
不让我们的秘密泄露的唯一办法 The onlv way our secrets don't qo public
就是你说服六号被告认罪 is if you convince number six to plead guilty.
你知道吗 我这么说不是为了安慰你 You know what? I don't sav this to make vou feel better,
但无论你想掩盖的秘密是什么 but whatever you're trying to hide
都不可能比我们已经知道的事情更尴尬了 can't be any more embarrassing than what we alreadv know.
好吧 你知不知道 我曾经想害老葛被开除 Well, did vou know that I once tried to get Gurqs fired?
我给自己解释一下 她让我做了个 Well, in my defense, she made me take
测测你是《欲望都市》的那个角色的测试 a"Which'Sex and the Citv'Character Are You? "quiz.
我的结果是史蒂夫 And I got"Steve. "
你想让老葛走人 她可是天使啊 You tried to get Gurgs fired? She's an angel!
我有一次看到她对着个茧吹气 I once saw her blow on a cocoon,
我对天发誓 有只蝴蝶就在那时诞生了 and I swear to God a butterflv was born just then!
算你走运 这黑客问题我已经解决得差不多了 Lucky for vou, I've almost ended this.
我用了这句话去讨好黑客 I buttered up the hacker with this line 一
你知道吗 我们也没有那么不一样 你和我 uYou know, we're not so different, vou and I. "
他的回答是 Huh? And his response?
他给我发了张他的中指照 He sent me this picture of his middle finqer.
这不就对上话了 Now it's a dialoque.
至少我们还有三个案子能再拖一拖 - Well, at least we got three more cases to trv and drag out.
公诉罗斯玛丽·史密斯 The People versus Rosemary Smith,
埃薇·布朗和埃琳·丹尼尔 Evie Brown, and Ellvn Daniel.
什么 这三个不是单独的案子吗 What? Aren't these supposed to be three separate cases?
我决定把她们合成一个案子 The decision was made to combine them.
为什么 Whv?
好吧 我懂了 Okay. Now I see why.
法官大人 三名被告 Your Honor, the three defendants
在奥斯特里亚普奇洛餐厅争吵斗殴 got into a prenatal brawl at Osteria Pucillo when...
法官大人 Your Honor,
她们为了餐厅的孕妇沙拉吵了起来 the fight broke over Osteria's pregnancy salad,
这沙拉是出了名的能催产 which has been known to induce labor!
是沙拉酱 It's the dressing.
我们在警车里轮流喝了这沙拉酱 不 We took turns chugging it in the squad car, and n- - ohh!
我知道你想拖延时间 但是 - I know that you want to slow things down, but
如果你不赶紧的 我们这里就要再添三个被告了 unless you hurrv up, we're gonna have three more defendants.
好吧 去医院吧 服刑时间已满 Fine. Go to the hospital. Time served.
等等 如果这是三号 四号和五号案子 那么 Wait. If this is case three, four, and five, then...
那么我们就没有时间了 That means we're out of time.
第六个案子 公诉瑞安·乌曼斯基 Case six. The People versus Rvan Umansky.
好吧 看来我们别无选择了 Okav. Guess we have no choice.
老葛 把那个箱子拿来 Gurgs, qet The Box.
我去 这箱蜜蜂哪来的啊 Yo! Where did that box of bees come from? !
我数到10 20 25 30 I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!
我听到了40吗 40只蜜蜂 Do I hear 40? 40 bees!
我应该多问问那个箱子到底是什么的 - I should've asked more questions about The Box!
老葛 你在这里真好 我有个小想法 Oh, Gurqs. Glad γou're here. Had a thouqht.
下次你说那个箱子的时候 或许多说个蜜蜂 Next time you call it"The Box, "mavbe add"of Bees"- -
因为有些人会过敏的 because some of us are pretty allergic.
那些是马戏团的蜜蜂 它们放弃了自己的蜂刺 Those were circus bees who qave up their stingers
好在戏院里讨一口饭吃 for a life in the theater.
不然你以为我管理的是个什么样的法庭 What kind of courthouse do you think I run?
这倒解释了为什么它们飞出了好玩的形状 以及 Well, that explains why thev were making fun shapes and- -
没有以及了 But that's all it explains.
我没有时间和你玩这传真鼠标的游戏了 - We don't have time for this game of fax and mouse.
你要是不从实招来 Either you come clean,
我就帮你注册上科尔士百货公司的会员 or I sign you up for Kohl's Cash Rewards.
它们的邮件超多的 It's so many e- mails,
放弃订阅需要三步 and the unsubscribe is a three- step process.
你永远完成不了的所以你在隐瞒什么 怀亚特 You'll never do it! So what are you hiding, Wvatt? !
你在隐瞒什么 What are you hidin'? l
这不值得 是木星 好吧 This isn't worth it! It's Jupiter, okav? l
我偷偷出去画木星了 I've been sneaking off to paint Jupiter.
我女儿明天要把一整个太阳系交上去 Mv daughter has a solar system due tomorrow,
如果她拿不到高分 and if she doesn't get a good grade,
就玩不了手机了 she loses her screen time.
我想让她能玩上手机 And I need her to have her screen time.
好吧 我不知道你有孩子 - Well, I didn't know vou had kids.
这里乱七八糟的事情那么多 - With all this stuff going on,
我们也没时间闲聊呀 it didn't leave a lot of time for small talk.
你还以为是我黑了服务器 不要太搞笑哦 And then you thought I hacked the server, which is hilarious.
我哪有时间啊 With what time?
我是个离了婚的法学生 带着两个年幼的女儿 I'm a divorced law student with two little girls
还要照顾一只金鱼 我很肯定它爱上了我 and a goldfish I'm prettv sure is romanticallv in love with me.
我身兼多职 I'm spinning so many plates,
宝妈群竟然还把我票选为”最邋遢的烂人“ the mom text chain just voted me"Messiest Bitch"l
这很说明问题 因为朱莉就在那个群里 And that's saying something because Julie's on therel
不是吧 You've qot to be kidding me.
好吧 Okay. Uh...
我有个案子要着手调查了 I've qot an investigation......to start.
怎么了 朱莉 What, Julie?
不 我不知道你的孩子在哪 No, I don'tknow where your kids are.
蜜蜂事件也有好处 So the bright side of the random bee attack
让我们可以坐下来聊聊 乌曼斯基先生 is that we could chat, Mr. Umansky.
我就是想问问 你觉得 Was iust wondering, is there anvone
会不会有谁希望你坐牢呢 who you think might want to see vou thrown in iail?
不会的 所有人都爱我 我老婆说我被爱得过头了 No. Everyone loves me. Mv wife says I'm too loved.
好吧 酒店房间被破坏前 Okav, well, what were you doing in the hotel room
你在房间里做什么呢 before the destruction occurred?
我在和我的情人做爱 - I was making love to my mistress.
我想这就是法国人所说的 I believe it's what the French call.
午间炮 ...Le Nooner.
所以你老婆说你被爱得过头了 So when your wife savs you're too loved...
她的意思是除了她以外还有很多女人爱我 没错 She means by manγ women who aren't her. That's right.
真好 我的名声要被毁了 So glad my reputation is gonna be ruined
就为了让这男的能在外面乱搞 iust so that this guy can sleaze it up
和他搞在一起的估计是个叫特雷什的女人 with a woman I assume is named Trish.
真希望能认识一个叫特雷什的 I wishI could land a Trish.
我觉得 你出轨应该会让一些人心怀怨恨吧 Seems to me that an affair might lead to some qrudges.
我老婆 可能吧 Mv wife, I guess.
我情人的老公 My mistress's husband.
我的另一个情人 My othermistress.
但我另一个情人的老公倒还好 But not my other mistress's husband
因为不知道为什么 他挺支持我俩在一起的 because, weirdly, he's rooting for us.
-法庭清理干净了 法官大人 -够快的 Court's clear, Your Honor. That was fast.
早知道就用大箱子了 I knewwe should've used The Big Box.
帕特里夏·古博曼 你真好看 Patricia Guberman? vou're looking qood.
我接下来几个小时要受审 You know, I'm on trial for the next couple hours,
但之后嘛 but afterwards.
你知道吗 我现在叫特雷什了 - You know, I qo by"Trish"now.
好吧 我想现在大家的秘密都得曝光了 - Well, I guess all the secrets are gonna come out now.
不了解你们的日子真开心 It's been reallv nice not knowing you.
你们不会相信怀亚特找到了什么 You'll never guess what Wvatt found.
我刚才在翻垃圾 想找点 - I was sorting through qarbaqe, looking for thinqs
能做金星的东西 结果发现了这个 to make into Venus, and I stumbled on this.
-是我的秘密 -是你的秘密 That's my secret! That's your secret?
快跑 Run!
你怎么找到的 我都扔出窗户了啊 - How do you have that? I threw it out a window!
我是说 我让它消失了啊 I mean, made it disappear.
魔术师的女儿从来不透露秘密 A magician's daughter never reveals her secrets.
因为这不是你收到的那一张 Because this isn't the one you received.
而是黑客传真给你的原始件 上面没有时间戳 It's the original the hacker faxed you. No timestamp.
如果你是在这里的垃圾桶里找到的 那就是说 If vou found that in the qarbage here, that means...
黑客一直在法院里 That the hacker's been in the courthouse the whole time.
而且多亏了丹具有惹怒陌生人的神奇能力 And thanks to Dan's uncanny abilitv to irritate strangers,
我们知道了这家伙的中指长什么样 we know what the quv's middle finger looks like.
我们会抓到他的 但我们需要 So we can catch him, but it's gonna take all of us
团结一心 working as a team together.
哎哟喂 Yoinks!
但我说大家要团结一心 是说真的
所以我们知道 这根中指就在这间法庭的某个地方 So we know this middle finger is somewhere in this courtroom.
我们要做的就是把它找出来 We iust have to find it.
我认手很有一手 - I know my way around a pair of hands.
我以前给凯特·卡瓦诺工作过 I used to work for Kate Cavanaugh.
她是皮影戏界的梅丽尔·斯特里普 She's the Mervl Streep of shadow puppets.
你去吧 新来的 我发誓 You qo, new quy, and I swear- -
如果你能找出这根手指 我会记住你的名字的 if you find that finger, I'll learn your name.
好 开始庭审前 我想邀请各位旁听员 Okav, before we beqin, I'd like to invite the gallery
享受由我们的书记员和法警 to enjoy complimentary hand massages
提供的免费手部按摩服务 courtesy of our clerk and bailiff.
法官大人能不能抓紧点时间 Your Honor can we scoot this along?
我等会儿和养蜂人有约 I got a date with the beekeeper after this,
她真的好性感 and she's a real smokeshow.
所以她才能把蜜蜂都吸引回箱子里 That's how she gets the bees back in the box.
一切顺利吗 法警 Evervthing okay in the gallery there, Bailiff?
有人不想让我摸他的手 Someone doesn't want his hands touched.
好吧 有人不想被摸手 Well, there's nothing we can do if people
我们也没什么办法 don't want their hands touched.
只能把他逮捕了 Except have them arrested!
他朝我竖中指了 但不是我们要找的那根 That was a middle finger, but not the one we were looking for.
好吧 这损坏物品清单够长的 Okav. This is an extensive list of property damage.
有谁能大声念出来吗 Would it be possible to hear it out loud?
我一边看着这个 I qet nauseous reading
一边想着开车 会犯恶心 while thinking about driving.
我来吧 法官大人 - I qot you, Your Honor.
损坏物品包括 Damage includes...
一扇被砸坏的门 棕色的门 one smashed door, brown...
一个被撕烂的枕头 羽绒枕 one torn pillow, down...
一幅被毁坏的画 小丑画 one destroyed painting, clown.
接下来是迷你吧里不见予的物品清单 And now a list of items that were missing from the mini- bar.
葡萄汽水 Grape soda.
就这么多 And that's the whole list.
所以 迷你吧里就葡萄汽水不见了 So the only thing missing from the mini- bar was grape soda.
他的不在场证明 His alibi.
乌曼斯基先生 你喝葡萄汽水吗 Mr. Umanskv, do you drink grape soda?
我的客户已经说过了 他不喜欢喝葡萄汽水 - Mv client has alreadv stated that he's not a fan.
他儿子喜欢 It's his son who likes it.
JUDGE Was your son with you at the hotel on the night in question? 事发当天晚上 你儿子也在酒店吗
很显然 你从来没有出轨过 Clearlv, vou've never had an affair.
小孩子最煞风景了 Kids totallv kill the vibe.
有没有可能 他溜进了酒店房间 - Is it possible that he snuck into the hotel room
毁坏了物品 把罪名扣在你的头上 and trashed it to frame vou?
或许就是为了报复你睡了半个曼哈顿吧 Perhaps as revenge for sleeping with half of Manhattan?
要是那男孩能亲囗告诉我们就好了 If onlv the boy himself could tell us.
如果他是因为父亲出轨而生气 Because if he was acting out of anger
才砸了房间 over his father's infidelities, 3BY STONE
法庭会非常同情他的 the court would be very sympathetic!
他要爬走了 And he's just crawling away!
博仔 Beau? l
-那个说拔掉电源的孩子 -是黑客 The"iust unplug it" kid is - The hacker!
哈哈 我先说的 我破了案子 Ha ha! I said it first! I solved it!
小孩真的很煞风景 对吧 Kids really do kill the vibe, don't thev?
不敢相信今天竟然这么疯狂 - I can't believe how crazv today was,
但我有个想法 能确保 but I have an idea to make sure
类似的事情不会重演 that nothing like that ever happens aqain.
改一下还没设置的wifi密码 Change the Wi- Fi password from nothing?
我们把自己的所有秘密都分享出来 就现在 - We tell all of our secrets to each other right now.
我就算了 I'm qood.
天呢 门锁了 Oh, God. The door's locked!
阿布拉卡达布拉（咒语）开门 Abracadabra, open the door!
它的名字叫这个 我没想用魔法开 Her name is- - I wasn't trying to use magic to open- -
我给你们解释个什么劲 Why am I explaining mvself to you? l
不把秘密都说出来 谁也别想离开这个房间 No one leaves this room until it's all out on the table.
我先来 I'll qo first.
这个传真上写的是我备忘录软件里的内容 This fax was a print- out from my Notes app,
我抱怨了你们所有人来发泄情绪 where I complain about all of you to let off steam.
奥利维亚随时会 "Olivia is very quick
双手抱胸 把锅甩给别人 to cross her arms and blame other people. "
什么 谁和你说的 卡罗尔吗 - What? ! Who told you that? lCarol? l
随便吧 Whatever.
现在我不用因为想让你丢掉工作而那么内疚了 Now I don't have to feel so bad about trving to qet you fired.
你说你也想害老葛被开掉 - You said vou tried to get Gurqs fired.
对 我恨不得你们所有人都被开掉 Oh, I tried to get you all fired.
行了吧 这就是我的秘密 我说了 There. That's my secret. I shared it.
太爽了 让我出去 Feels amazing! Now let me out!
好 接下来换我吧 Well, I'll go next.
我那举世闻名的炖菜秘方 The secret ingredient in my world- famous stew
就是两瓶杜松子酒 is two bottles of gin.
吃下第一口就会醉得不行 You're so drunk after the first bite,
这样就尝不出来有多难吃了 you don't realize how bad it is!
看到了吗 多好啊 现在怀亚特什么都知道了 See? This is great. Now Wvatt knows evervthing,
我们也不用担心给他留下不好的印象了 and we don't have to worrv about making a good impression.
你们之前是在给我留下好印象吗 That was vou trving to make a good impression?
老葛还威胁要用一袋橙子打我呢 Gurqs threatened to beat me with a sack of oranges.
行吧 既然你们都分享了秘密 Oh, you know what? Since you're all sharing,
那我也承认 我说我没有秘密也不完全是实话 I wasn't completely honest about not having any secrets.
《神探阿蒙与河口蓝调》 "Mr. Monk and the Bavou Blues"?
这是我的《神探阿蒙》同人小说 - It's mv"Monk"fan fiction.
那什么反正你们都知道了 You know what? Now that it's out,
我很乐意和你们多分享分享 I would humblv have the pleasure of sharing it all with you.
不用了 No. Ah...
需要说明的是 在我的版本里 One thing to note in my version,
阿蒙没有强迫症 Monk doesn't have OCD.
我一直没明白为什么要让他有强迫症 I never saw the point of that. Uh...
阿蒙爬出阿查法拉亚河盆地 "Monk climbed out of the Atchafalaya Basin,
浑身沾满污泥 his body covered in mud- -
他喜欢称之为 路易斯安那州的黄金 or as he liked to call it, Louisiana Gold. ...
他喜欢称之为 路易斯安那州的黄金 or as he liked to call it, Louisiana Gold. "
哦对了 还有一点 在我的版本里阿蒙是个法国后裔 Also, one more note in my version, Monk's a Cajun.
艾比 求求你放我们出去 Abby, please let us out!
这就是为什么我永远带着一瓶炖菜 This is whv I always carry a flask of stew.